Sadly, most of us will have had to face bereavement at times and may have had to deal with the loss of a grandparent, parent, sibling, child or close friend. When that bereavement touches friends or members of our family although we may not feel totally confident in what we say, we usually feel more able to express our sympathies than when it is a work colleague.

Death is still a taboo, we just don’t talk about it, so we’re not sure, for instance, if our colleague would welcome any mention of their bereavement. We may feel they wouldn’t want to be reminded, that they are at work to take their mind off it, what happens if they start to cry? Will I be embarrassed, will they be embarrassed.... perhaps it’s better not to say anything at all?

I’m certainly no expert and can only talk from a personal perspective, but my own experiences may help to give a bit of an insight. It’s clear from conversations I’ve had with friends who are dealing with the death of someone close to them, the over whelming reaction seems to be that we’d rather that something was said than not. So a simple “how are you?” is a good start and gives the person the chance to say “fine”, in which case you know they’d rather not talk about it at that time. I’d also say try to avoid some of the hackneyed phrases such as “time’s a healer” (it isn’t!) and “I know how you feel” (you don’t and can’t). For instance I can’t know how it feels to have lost a lifelong partner, perhaps following a long illness – I can’t imagine the toll that that may take on your ability to cope with the day to day stresses of work.

So which elephant is in the room with me? In November 2009 my son was on holiday in the States and went to a family-style restaurant for an evening meal. Not exactly unusual and probably something all of us have done at some time without a second thought. However a drug fuelled gunman came into the restaurant and started shooting; my son was the only victim and was killed. He was 28 and had, at that time, a 9 month old daughter. So not only bereavement, but that of a child, which is something most of us don’t even want to think about as we assume we’ll outlive our children. Also a murder – so not just bereavement, but a court case and someone to “blame”. The layers and layers of the fall out go on and on. However I consider myself very fortunate that a lot of my colleagues at work were willing to talk to me, were able to ask me how I was and took the time out to just stop by my desk and ask how it was going. It might be 5 years on, but for me it is a constant – after all my son is still dead. I am lucky as I have some very thoughtful colleagues who still ask how I am, who take the time out to let me talk about my son, who do give me a bit of leeway when I’m having a tough day, of which there are many!

So please, if you are aware of a colleague who is going through what is said to be the worse experience (death, divorce, redundancy and moving house apparently are the “biggies” in that order) do take time out to talk to them and even if you can’t have an inkling of what they are going through, do try to show them that you are aware of the elephant which walks into the room with them.

By Maggie Millin